Understanding Patterns: From Obstacles to Teachers
Inner Roadmaps: How Our Past Shapes Our Present Connections
I used to find myself questioning why I kept ending up in the same situations, especially in relationships. As I discussed these challenges with peers, similar themes emerged in their lives. This led many of us to question whether we were sabotaging our own progress and growth, often spiraling into frustration and depression. Through my personal work and experience as a psychiatrist, I've learned to view patterns differently—not as detrimental habits to be forgotten, but as teachers offering valuable lessons. Research by Bowlby (1988) on attachment theory supports this perspective, showing how early relationship patterns form templates that influence adult behavior. These patterns, which we sometimes call defenses, can become our greatest guides. They provided safety and security at critical junctures in our lives, though they may no longer serve that purpose. Growth begins when we recognize these invisible patterns that govern our lives and bring conscious awareness to them.
Relationship with Ourselves
I don't believe people need to fundamentally change—rather, they need to understand and work with their patterns. Each of us is composed of chapters of experiences: good, bad, sad, joyous, and confusing. These experiences shape who we are, and there's no value in hiding from them. Recent neuroscience research by Siegel (2020) demonstrates how early life experiences literally shape our neural pathways, influencing how we process emotions and relate to others. The more we appreciate our mosaic of chapters and the depth of their teachings, the deeper we can connect with our inner roadmap. When we surrender to this understanding, we begin to recognize our innate tendencies, early childhood experiences, intergenerational influences, and subconscious habits. This awareness helps us understand the source of internal dialogues like perfectionism, avoidance, or self-criticism. For instance, someone with a highly critical inner voice might have grown up in an environment with high expectations and inconsistent validation, leading to the belief that they're "not enough."
Relationship with Others
Our relationship with ourselves fundamentally shapes our connections with others. Without understanding our inner roadmap, we often neglect self-awareness and struggle to present ourselves authentically in relationships. A landmark study by Johnson and Greenman (2019) found that individuals who understand their emotional patterns form more secure and lasting relationships. This lack of authenticity and vulnerability makes it difficult to build genuine connections, potentially leading to emotional loneliness. Some people might turn to substance use to mask their authentic selves. Research by van der Kolk (2014) has shown how unresolved emotional patterns often underlie addictive behaviors. Without conscious awareness, patterns like the need for control, people-pleasing, or fear of intimacy can infiltrate relationships, causing significant harm.
Dancing with our Patterns
My journey to understand my patterns began with thought-dumping—a cognitive practice of freely writing my thoughts. I spent hours filling hundreds of journal pages, gradually experiencing mental clarity and a deeper connection to my body. Studies by Pennebaker (2018) have demonstrated that expressive writing can significantly improve both mental and physical health outcomes. This led me to explore bodywork through yoga and later acro-yoga, which opened new pathways for vulnerability and connection. Through bodywork, I discovered how our fascia holds unaddressed emotions, offering a physical gateway to emotional healing—a phenomenon supported by research on the polyvagal theory by Porges (2017). When I later began personal therapy, I approached it with conscious attention and compassion toward understanding my inner roadmap. Through body-awareness work, I learned to recognize how physical sensations signal emotional patterns and influence behavior. Today, my practice combines journaling, bodywork, and deep meditation—a mosaic that allows me to process, feel, and spiritually understand my inner roadmap as it continues to reveal itself.
"Patterns aren’t our destiny—they’re our teachers. The more we understand and disrupt them, the freer we become to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others."
Vulnerability in Healing
Understanding my patterns has enhanced my emotional awareness and somatic intelligence. I can now stay present and attuned during challenging situations, whether in personal relationships, friendships, or therapeutic work with patients. This awareness helps me remain composed while working through difficulties with minimal discomfort. Research by Gottman and Silver (2021) shows that this kind of emotional awareness is a key predictor of relationship success. As a result, I've experienced reduced chronic anxiety and increased self-respect, allowing me to live more authentically. This transformation has naturally led to deeper, more meaningful relationships that develop with ease.
The journey of understanding our patterns isn't about eliminating them—it's about learning from them. As we bring awareness to these unconscious teachers, we gain the freedom to choose new ways of relating to ourselves and others, creating space for more fulfilling connections and a deeper sense of personal wholeness.
Questions for Reflection and Action
As you consider your own relationship with patterns, reflect on these questions:
1. What defensive patterns showed up for you while reading this essay? What emotions or resistances did you notice in your body?
2. Think of a recurring challenge in your relationships. If this pattern were your teacher, what lesson might it be trying to help you learn?
3. When you feel triggered or reactive in relationships, where do you feel it in your body first? What might change if you used this physical sensation as an early warning system?
4. Which of your patterns served an important protective role in your past? How might you honor that pattern while choosing new ways of responding now?
5. If you were to begin a conversation with your most persistent pattern, what would you say to it? What might it say back to you?
Consider journaling about one of these questions this week, or sharing your reflections with someone you trust. Remember that awareness is the first step toward transformation.